What if Deadpool Taught At Hogwarts?
by Absent Emotions
Summary: Deadpool comes to Hogwarts to teach DADA. Crack ensues. Dumbledore/Ron/Hermione!Bashing if you squint.


The Great Hall in Hogwarts was stuffed, as usual, and the members of the golden trio were sitting at the Gryffindor table. The Sorting had just finished, and Harry looked up at the Head Table. He realized the chair for the Defense against the Dark Arts teacher was empty.

"Hey, Hermione, Ron," Harry said, "The chair for the DADA professor is empty,"

Hermione looked over at the table as Ron continued to shovel food in his mouth.

"I wonder who it's going to be," the bushy-haired girl replied.

Suddenly, the door to the Great Hall slammed open, and a man in a red and black suit with weapons strapped to him walked in.

"Sorry I couldn't get here sooner. I had a heck of a time trying to find this place," the strange man said as he walked to the head table and sat at the DADA professor's place.

The Headmaster stood up, and Professor McGonagall tapped her fork on her glass.

"Welcome to another year at Hogwarts. This year, we only have one announcement. Obviously, as Professor Moody is unable to teach this year, we have a new Defense against the Dark Arts professor," Dumbledore gestured at the red and black man, "This is he."

The man stood up.

"Call me Deadpool. It rhymes with too cool, no school, but, wait, I'm in a school… Anyway, ain't no fool, and _I'm the best at what I do_-ool."

The students looked around bewildered.

Dumbledore continued, "Deadpool will be taking the position. He is a Muggle, but I trust you will treat him with the utmost respect," he looked at them all sternly, "That will be all." The headmaster sat back down.

There was some scattered applause, and then the students returned to eating.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

The trio returned to the Gryffindor common room.

"So what do you think of the new professor?" Hermione asked, excitedly.

"He looks a bit mental, if you ask me," Ron replied.

"If he's a Muggle, I wonder what he'll teach us," Harry wondered out loud.

"Did you see all his weapons? He had at least two swords, two guns, and who knows what else!" Hermione said worriedly.

"Well, we won't know until tomorrow," Harry said, "I have DADA first."

"So do we," Hermione replied, holding up her and Ron's timetables.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

After breakfast the next day, the golden trio walked to the Defense classroom. Everyone looked around the room. There were targets and dummies set up all around it, and the tables and chairs had been stacked and pushed against the wall.

Suddenly, there was a noise from the ceiling. Everyone jumped as a red and black blur fell down from the ceiling and landed on its feet. It was Deadpool.

The man turned to face the class.

"So. I was assigned to teach you brats how to defend yourselves." Deadpool looked around the room. "You're what, fifteen? Kids these days! Anyway, if you didn't catch it at the feast, name's Deadpool. It rhymes with too cool, ain't no fool, and _I'm the best at what I do_-ool. Any questions?"

The students shrugged and looked around at each other.

"I told you he was mental," Ron whispered.

"Now," Deadpool started, "Guns, sometimes, are better than magic. Can anyone tell me why?"

The entire class was still. Hermione's hand didn't even twitch.

"Awwww, could you guys hear the cricket noises? No? Okay. Guns are better than magic in many ways. The bullets are faster, they are easier to aim, and you don't have to memorize any spells. You just draw, aim, and pull the trigger, and BAM! they're dead! Of cou-"

Hermione raised her hand.

"Why would we want to kill our enemy?" the girl asked.

Deadpool's jaw fell open. "What? I think the question is why _wouldn't_ you want to kill your enemy. Say, there's a bad guy coming after you with swords and guns and knives. If you don't kill him, he'll just keep coming at you!"

Hermione looked confused, "But shouldn't we give them a second chance?"

The class laughed at the confused know-it-all.

Deadpool was gobsmacked. He pulled himself together, and said, "Why would you give them a second chance? Generally, people who want to kill people aren't going to reform. I know I'm not! They're going to keep coming after you until one or the other is dead!"

Ron looked horrified. "I bet he's a Death Eater," the boy whispered.

Hermione looked at him scathingly, "He's a Muggle, you numbskull."

Draco Malfoy raised his hand.

"What do you mean by 'I know I'm not'?"

The merc with a mouth looked bewildered. "You mean he never told you? I'm a mercenary. I kill people. For money. Moolah. Bucks. Cash. It's fun. You should try it sometime."

Harry looked outraged. "You kill people for money?! Why in the name of Merlin would Dumbledore hire you?!"

"On the other hand, maybe not. I can feel the flames from here," said Deadpool as he pulled out his swords, "And to answer your question, I'm a pretty bad influence, so I don't know, actually. Probably cuz I'm awesome."

"But, back to guns," Deadpool drew his gun and shot three targets. He hit the bull's eye every time. "Did you see that? That's what guns can do. But, since you kiddies wasted my time asking stupid questions, you don't get to shoot them 'til next time. Class is over. _Arrriba-san!_" Deadpool cried as he slashed a dummy to pieces.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

As the golden trio walked to lunch, they discussed the DADA lesson.

"He's a mercenary," Hermione said worriedly, "That could mean any amount of bad for us. What if Deadpool was hired by Voldemort to kill you, Harry?"

Ron looked satisfied with this theory, "Yeah. He's a mental Death Eater."

Harry looked skeptical, "Would Dumbledore hire a Death Eater?"

Ron answered, "Seriously, Harry? Dumbledore hired Quirrel, Lockhart, Snape, and the fake Moody."

"Professors, Ronald," Hermione corrected, "And anyway, Dumbledore must know what he's doing."

The trio walked into the Hall, sat down, and started eating. Then, Deadpool walked in and plopped into his seat. Snape sneered at him. Deadpool looked at the table, then yelled, "Does anyone have any chimichangas?!"

Snape sneered at him again, "What are chimichangas, some kind of _Muggle_ food?"

"You could say that. They're about the only food worth eating 'round here," Deadpool replied, affronted, then horrified, "How do you not know what chimichangas are? Do they not have 'em here?"

Dumbledore answered his question, "We do not have these chimichangas here, I am sorry to say. They sound delightful."

"Well, that sucks. I guess I'll have to make do. But next time I go teach at a school, which is never, I'll ask if they have chimichangas," the merc replied.

Deadpool ate a bite. Suddenly, his hands were at throat. "What the heck?! How is this food?!" He keeled over, seemingly dead.

Dumbledore cast a diagnostic charm, "I am sorry to say that Deadpool is, well, d-"

The supposed corpse coughed. "Woooo. Longest death yet. A total of twenty seconds." Deadpool picked himself up. "But, to reiterate my question, how do you eat that stuff?! If I was anyone else, which I'm not, (that would be boring) I'd be dead!"

The entire Hall looked at him stunned.

"What? Do I have dirt on my face?"

Dumbledore's eyes were full of those infernal twinkles. "Mr. Wilson, how did you survive?"

"Oh. I have a healing factor. No matter what you do, you can't kill me. Believe me, lotsa people've tried."

Snape scoffed, "No one's immortal."

Deadpool laughed, "You can't possibly know that, can you, dear old Sevvie?"

Snape's look soured as he looked away.

Back at the table, Ron laughed, "This guy is awesome! He just proved Snape wrong!"

Harry looked confused, "I thought you thought he was a Death Eater?"

Ron scoffed, "Nope. Anyone who makes fun of Snape is okay in my book."

Hermione looked at Ron incredulously, "Honestly, Ronald."

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

The next few classes with Deadpool were interesting and informative. The class had finally gotten to shoot guns at targets. Most of the students were terrible shots, but a few were close.

However, the next class was about Deadpool's beloved katanas.

"So. These are katanas." Deadpool then proceeded to chop apart all the dummies in the room. "Quick. Extra credit. Does anyone know a spell that can fix all the people I k-worded?"

Hermione pointed her wand and clearly said, "Reparo."

The dummies all were fixed.

"Okay. Oh, look! Practice katanas! So the kiddies don't hurt themselves! Each of you need to go and chop apart a fabric person! Go on, make me proud!" Deadpool sat on his desk and watched the students swinging the swords.

"Great. You can all swing swords. Now, try to actually hit the targets!"

The students were all still doing pretty badly.

"Okay, look up here, boys and girls!" Deadpool walked up to an unscathed dummy and pulled his katanas out. "The first thing you want to do is make sure you have a good stance. Not too low, not too high, feet apart, knees bent, back straight. Always aim to kill. Don't aim for their arms or legs, aim for their torso or neck. And yes, know-it-all, we _are_ aiming to kill, however hard it is to believe."

The costumed man then tore the dummy apart in seconds.

"Okay, try once more, and then class is dismissed."

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

It was the Hogsmeade weekend. The whole school was in a cheery mood.

The Headmaster had bullied Deadpool into chaperoning the trip, all the while his eyes full of twinkles.

Deadpool, armed as always, walked down to Hogsmeade with all the students.

He sat down at one of the outside tables at the Three Broomsticks. As people walked by, they looked at him warily. He stared right back at them.

"How many more paragraphs is this boring trip going to last?" Deadpool muttered.

Suddenly, clouds of black smoke spontaneously began to appear. Suddenly, they materialized into people.

Deadpool stood up and pulled out his katanas as people started to scream and run away from the people who had materialized. They were clad entirely in black with white masks. The mysterious men began to shoot off spells that were a sickly green color. As they hit people, the people fell over.

Deadpool ran into the fray screaming, "_Arrrriba-san!_" He began chopping up people, until he was hit with one of the sickly green lights, the killing curse. He fell over, seemingly dead.

Then, to the surprise of everyone around him, Deadpool sprang up again and finished chopping up the attackers. By then, all the students had run back to the school, and the other people had run for cover. The entire street was empty.

Deadpool re-sheathed his katanas, and then ran back to Hogwarts, to be greeted by Dumbledore.

"What the heck was that?!" Deadpool yelled.

Dumbledore's eyes were not twinkling, for once, as he replied, "Death Eaters. They are Voldemort's followers."

"Who's Voldemort? Some evil terrorist dude? Who am I kidding, I'm probably worse than he is, and I'm immortal. I have better things to do. Adios, suckers," Deadpool said as he walked out of the school.

He grabbed a walkie-talkie out of one of his pouches and spoke into it, "Hey. Can ya come pick me up?" There was a garbled reply. "Yeah, the job didn't go too well. They were all like, we have a terrorist dude who wants to kill us all, but were like, noooo, we won't tell you, the 'defenseless Muggle'." Another garbled reply was heard. "Ya, I'm sure. Just pick me up."

Students and professors alike watched as a helicopter landed, Deadpool got into it, and then it flew off.

"Well, that was interesting," Dumbledore said.

**THE END**


End file.
